Monday, January 23, 2012

No Book

I imagine at one point or another every parent asks themselves “Where did I go wrong”.  The thought of failing as a parent despite your efforts is a heavy burden to shoulder.  As parents you want the best for your kids and you try to instill in them all that they need to tackle this thing called LIFE. With all the books that have been written on parenting, I doubt any of them really hold the secret to being the perfect parent.  The fictitious models that we’ve seen on television with the Huxtables or the Bradys were never really realistic to real life situations.  Being a parent is probably the hardest job in the world and the responsibility that comes with that is enormous.
 On December 15, 1995 my first daughter was born.  I was at a place where I was still trying to figure out my own life.  I was weighed down by the baggage of hurt and pain that I had carried my whole life and I didn’t know which road or which direction I was taking.  The baggage clouded my vision and made it difficult to put dreams into motion so I found myself stagnate, treading water, going nowhere.  I was determined to be a fixture in my child’s life and not repeat a pattern that I had been a part of my life growing up.  She was a girl and despite my immaturity I was focused on teaching her at an early age to be independent and strong, constantly raising the bar and watching her reach it almost every time.  As I look back I think I may have robbed her of her childhood, of just being carefree with little to no responsibility.  I was hard on her but my intentions were pure and delivered out of love.  Maybe I wasn’t the best model in the role I played, as parents we often have to lie in the bed we made and all the things that we meant but we did not say. She is 16 now and of course she knows it all.  I realize I can’t save her from her mistakes it’s her road and her journey that she has to take. 
There’s no book to this and I often reflect on all that I try to do and put into this.  I stay consistent with the tough love; this world thinks little of who you are so it matters what you’re made of.  There’s no book to this, you just do the best you can and know that it hit or miss.  I have good kids but their never as good to you as they are to others which makes receiving the comment “Your kids are so well behaved” hard to except….smirk.  I guess as parents we all hope to release to the world a better extension of ourselves and pray that through the years they did listen, they did learn and when the storm comes they can stand firm……